Grief & Loss
The grief of losing someone you love can turn your life upside-down. It is natural to replay scenarios over and over in your mind, to try to figure out a way that things could have worked out differently.
These thoughts of things being different are called the ‘what ifs’ of grief, they are our minds way of analysing and processing what just happened and why. Sometimes there are no answers to the death of someone you love and it couldn’t have been avoided, but our minds are trained to evaluate situations when we feel threatened by danger and emotional pain.
Knowing that these thoughts are a normal part of grief can be re-assuring, you can explore these thoughts with your counsellor when your counselling begins.
The Five Stages of Grief
In her book, ‘On Death and Dying’, Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about five stages of grief that a person can experience when they are grieving. Every bereavement is unique and individual, it’s important to note that not everyone will go through every stage, and people will go through different stages at different times, sometimes returning to an earlier stage more than once.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
These stages are not linear, we can find ourselves experiencing acceptance and returning to anger or denial. The stages are a guide to help us to understand what we might be experiencing, they can help us to know that as we move through each stage, we are learning how to cope with the loss of our loved one. People around us might be coping differently to ourselves depending on the stage of grief and their resources, this does not mean that what you are experiencing is wrong because there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s book ‘On Grief and Grieving’ applies these stages of grief to the grieving process and includes sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation and healing. It is a helpful resource for you to read of you are looking for a book that really touches on the profound sensitivity of grief.
The 8 Pillars of Strength
Psychotherapist Julia Samuel developed the 8 Pillars of Strength after working with clients who were bereaved over many years of practice. She identified these pillars of strength as essential pillars that support a person’s grieving process.
- Relationship with the person who has died – Loving the person in their absence rather than in their presence.
- Relationship with Yourself – Show yourself compassion, write a journal to help rationalize or express your feelings. Feeling bad does not mean you are bad – it is important to share your feelings with those closest to you so that you receive support. It is natural to feel like you are in denial, acceptance of what has happened in stages is okay, grief can be overwhelming. A new loss may bring memories of previous loss, self-compassion is key.
- Expressing grief – There is no right or wrong way to express grief, it is just important to do it. Talking to family or friends, journaling about how you are feeling, painting or listening to music, can help you to express your emotions. Naming emotions can help us to tame them, this can also reduce feelings of overwhelm.
- Time – Grieving takes time. Blocking your feelings of grief can create problems but time will help you with the process of grief. Be gentle, over time the pain will lessen in intensity. Focus on the here-and-now rather than the future and what it might look like.
- Mind & Body – Grief is exhausting and can make the body feel as if it is in a heightened state of alert. It is important to look after yourself. Exercise such as walking in nature, running or cycling or swimming can help with self- regulation. Mindfulness and meditation can to reduce anxiety. It is important to eat healthy foods regularly, it will help to avoid too much caffeine, sugar or alcohol.
- Limits – Know your limits of what you can take on just now and don’t feel guilty for saying ‘no’, you are prioritising your wellbeing whilst you are grieving.
- Structure – Daily routines can help you to manage your day, implement small changes to your routine if you are struggling. Try to get dressed at the same time each day even if you don’t feel like going anywhere.
- Focusing – Visualisation can help to calm the mind. Find a quiet space and breathe in and out gently through your nose whilst focusing on a specific sensation in the body. Breathe into that space, imagine the colour and shape of the sensation.
The Four Tasks of Mourning by Worden
The Four Tasks of Mourning by Worden can be linked to the four seasons of the year and are tasks that are part of a process that takes time. You can explore these tasks with your therapist when your counselling begins but it can be helpful to view grief as a process with different stages on the journey of returning to your life without the person who has died. At the moment you might not be able to imagine what it would be like to move on because you might be at the beginning of these tasks of grief. Know that with the right resources, you will eventually be able to move forwards with your life.
- to accept the reality of the loss – Autumn
- to work through the pain of grief – Winter
- to adjust to an environment in which the significant person is no longer present – Spring
- to find a new form of connection to the person who has died and moving on with life – Summer
Whilst waiting for your counselling to start, reflecting on the stages of grief and the tasks of grief will help you to understand your grief process, and using the 8 pillars of strength can help you to care for yourself. Having structure in your life by implementing daily routines can really help us to stay grounded. Sometimes just getting out of bed, managing to eat something healthy or talking to a friend, are the kind of things that provide us with structure and are enough while we wait for counselling. Self-care and receiving support from others can go a long way when we are coping with grief, whether it be sudden loss, anticipated grief when your loved one has been terminally ill, or prolonged precipitated grief that can be more complex.
These resources will hopefully help you to understand that what you are experiencing might not feel comfortable but looking after you can make all the difference whilst waiting for counselling to begin.
The Butterfly Hug
The Butterfly Hug is a gentle and effective technique for self-soothing and calming the nervous system, making it a useful tool for managing stress and anxiety.
To perform the Butterfly Hug, fold your arms across your chest, placing your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder, forming an “X” shape. Gently tap your fingers on your shoulders, alternating sides, like butterfly wings.
While doing this, maintain a steady, calming breath by inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth. Focus on the sensation of tapping and your breath to help your mind center and your body relax. This technique can be especially helpful during stressful or emotional times, offering a grounding and soothing effect.
The 3 C’s of Coping with Grief
Remember the 3 C’s of coping with grief are choose, connect and communicate. Reach out to helplines if you are experiencing distress and continue to choose to connect and communicate with others. This is always important that you seek support and receive compassionate responses from others, but can be more so during times when you might feel more triggered than usual, particularly during birthdays of the loved one and anniversaries of their death. Sometimes we can be taken by surprise by overwhelming emotions at this time, it can help to be prepared and have a plan to do something nice for yourself on these special days, to visit a memorial or if you feel able to, make something that reminds you of the person who has died such as a photo collage or writing or framing a poem that reminds you of them. Remembrance is an important aspect of mourning and connecting to the person who has died in their absence.
Permission to Mourn
Permission to Mourn: A New Way to do Grief’ is a beautiful book written by Tom Zusa after recovering from the tragic loss of his own daughter, wife, and son. The book describes a new way to mourn which acknowledges the denial, numbing, and repression of emotions, that can come with grief. Tom teaches us that the stories we tell ourselves when we grieve determine whether we will heal or remain stuck in grieving, ‘we are not born to suffer but are here to be radiant’ – Tom Zusa.
References for Further Reading
On Death and Dying – EKR Foundation
Pillars of Strength – Julia Samuel
The 4 Tasks of Grieving | Psychology Today United Kingdom
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